Saturday, April 28, 2012

The circle of things

Many times throughout ones life they replace certain things or people. There are many reasons why a person might replace something, it might be broke and need fixed, it also might be outdated. Those are some of the reasons for someone to replace something. But there are entirely different reasons that come onto a play when a person is replacing another person. Those reasons are dependent on the circumstances that arise that instigate the need for a replacement. Some of the reasons that I have come across are that maybe the person you are replacing just doesn't fit with the group anymore. Another could be that special circumstance and problems arise that are too great an obstacle to overcome. Replacing an actual person is in my eyes more complicated then it seems. There has to be solid circumstance, also you would have to have a suitable replacement that seems better then the original at that time. I think that most times it is done unconsciously by the one who is replacing someone. They more then likely don't even realize that there is a problem that would cause a replacement of another human being. They don't think that anyone is really being replaced.

For those of you who read this post and think that some thing is going just be assured that there is nothing going on. This was written after a study of situations that came about by other people telling and confiding in me the problems they are facing.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Pet Peeves

There are many thighs that irk or annoy people. Those things are known to most people as pet peeves. All people have them and they are something you try to avoid at all costs, right so why do they always seem to be the mist attractive thing to do or person to be aquatinted with. Why do we as a people seem to torture ourselves by surrounding ourselves with things or people that just seem to get under are skin the most. I actually can't speak foe other people like I just did but on a personal level , I really do seem to surround my self with all of my pet peeves. Like hypocritical people, people who are self righteous, people who are so selfish that they can't see anything outside of their own self, another type of person that irks me are people that think the are gods gift to this world. There is one of those in every group, club, affiliation. Why do they have to be like that. Also there are some detonate thongs that irk me and annoy me to no end. One of those things is people taking matters of someone else's life and business into their own hands that is the worst. Along with that there are a great many other things that annoy me to the point that I just want to rip my hairs out one by one.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Am I going about dealing with struggles all wrong. For a little while now I have just been avoiding all of them. Confronting actual problems, but avoiding people that seem to bring up the problems the most. I really want to come up front with people but they always do something that seems to make me pull back. Why can't I just trust people again. I have avoided people, those people seem actually seem to care but something just pulls me back. should I keep avoiding people or just let things go. The latter one I think is the better option but it is the harder one. I am unhappy avoiding these people but that is what feels or felt necessary.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Yesterday evening I got back from our school trip to New York city. It was amazing. New York is probably one of the coolest places ever. I had so much fun.Many laughs were shared between friends and chaperons alike. Seeing the shows and all the sights that are offered was amazing. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Many people started feeling stressed with all the sounds and people every where. I can honestly I didn't get stressed out once. I felt more at home in New York then I do half the time in Lehi. I really feel like that is the way of life I was born to have. Always on the move and fast paced. It was a very eyeopening trip. We really don't realize what we have or what we need to be appreciating till we are put in a place where everything is totally different. It feels like a completely different world over there. There are more people walking down one street then in all of Lehi. It is a massive place. But one where I didn't feel so small. I felt completely comfortable there like that was where I was meant to be. It was one of the first times I felt like I truly belonged somewhere. I now know why schooling on the east coast is so appealing, I hope and dream that I will get in and be able to get there. The whole trip was totally indescribable. I couldn't describe any of it in words  other then amazing. It was one of those trips that you just have to experience for yourselves. The whole trip was a small blip in time that was one of the best things that ever could have happened to me. I really didn't want it to end, but all good things must come to and end. At this time though more then just an amazing trip has come to an end. This trip allowed for many other things to come to their ends. Some bad that I am happy to see go others, that were good in my eyes, and shouldn't have ended, but they did. Those I am truly sorry that they had to go. Well now the only thing to do is to move on and cope with the repercussions and try to mend the things that were broken.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I was ready to confide in you the burden I have born. Finally ready to start on my way back. I felt vulnerable and alone. Just wanting to let it go. You had pushed and urged so very hard for me to tell you. Won my trust finally in the end. I had prepared and was ready to tell and let this burden go. Then a cold-hearted rejection and refusal you probably didn't mean to instigate. Now I feel isolated, like it is the only way to live. Just keeping to myself. To live my life the way it used to be. No one knowing my story or the problems I face. The time has past, the opportunity is lost for things to come forth into the light of day and the public eye. mow just feeling neglected and replaced. Like you are just going to throw it back in my face. Now the recesses of my mind are the only sanctuary left for my sanity to thrive. Why do these feelings of longing and resentment arise, they just end up hurting the insides. Now is the time to step back and look at the world through different eyes. The past is the past and it is done. I can't change what happened nor would I want to. It is the time to move on and live life to the fullest.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Their are a very select few that I fell can make you truly happy. They are always there to lift you up when you feel down. They also can bring you down the most when you see them doing the things that you know they don't want to. Things that make them unhappy. True happiness comes from helping those you love and care about the most become truly happy. When they are happy you are,and it makes you feel all the better about yourself. If the ones that you care about disappoint or betray you thy us win the true pain can set in. That is when you are put into a place that it hurts to be in but you can't escape. Why don't we all just try and make everyone else happy because then we will all be happy. Those who are given the right to make others happy shouldn't abuse that power, we should cherish it and use it to the beat if our abilities. Then can we reach true happiness and get out of the dark place the we seem to always spiral into.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Letter To The One Who Can Know The Truth

There is so much that we have in common that it is scary at times. We are like the same person with slight variations. You are the one I feel that would handle the truth the best. You are the one who is always concerned when I say something that might be leading to something that is hidden. You want to get to know the real me. You want to, because you want to help me. You are the true friend I have been looking for, for so long that it has almost left me hopeless. You ask about things that no one else seems to care about, because you know that is where the root of it all is. I want to tell you everything, but am scared. I am scared because of what you will think. There are things that if I tell you, I feel you will pull a way, and that is something I don't think I could take. I really want to tell you everything, but I don't want lose you as my friend because that would be far worse then letting the battle inside keep going. I am scared of what you will think and that some of the things that come with the truth will ruin a beautiful and most important relationship.At times when I turn down your inquiries with generalized statements, it isn't because I don't trust you or not want to tell you. It is simply because I am scared of losing you in my life, and that makes it seem like a small  sacrifice to keep fighting inside. I really do trust you with my life, and know without a shout of a doubt that I can trust you with the truth, I am simply scared of what the ugliness of the truth will do to our friendship. I can't bring myself to jeopardize something so secure, and probably the best friendship I have ever had for something that I have been dealing with perfectly fine with for years now.

Inner Battle

Why is there always a constant battle going on inside of me. Why does it seem like the bad inside is always trying to get out. He makes me feel like at my very core I am evil. Am I? No, at least I don't think so. The battle always escalating till I can't bear it. Why can't I just come to terms with the bad I have done and let it go. Why does the pressure of the world have to make me feel this way. Make me feel like, if  I let go, I am the disappointment of the world for what I've done. Why did this all have to happen in the first place. Am I cheating myself by keeping it all in? Yes, but I am scared to let it out, scared of what people will think. How come fear always seems to keep its hold on me. Why can't I just let go and get back to the real me. The me I am proud to be. Why won't you let he let me vocalize my cry for help. He suffocates any attempt to change my self for the better. Why is it that the me inside that doesn't want me to succeed always seems to come out on top. For once I just want to let out who I really am, instead of the attempt at the real me that I put on as a mask each day. The other one makes me feel like dirt, and I am sick of it. But the hold is to deep for me to let it all out at once to those who will take it the hardest. I just need to come to terms and end the battle. If not then it is going to destroy me and I will have no hope.

From The Dark Place

Every thing going great like the sun shining bright in the sky. Then suddenly the torrents of darkness and despair come crashing down like those of a great waterfall. They dredge up the pains and fears long put to rest. Always there at the very back of your mind, locked in the most complex safes kept within your mind. You snap and don't know why. You are blindsided with the emotions that they bring. You can't control it and feel helpless.It brings out the worst in you, makes you remember your short comings and makes you feel like dirt. It scares you into utter disarray. You can't think straight and it all gets confusing, like you're seeing the world and situations from a thousand different angles that are all coming from different places in your life.In the overwhelming stupor everything seems to become distant you are there but not. You have no control over what your body is doing. You sit back regretting every action, every thing that happens. You can't see the sense in what everyone else is trying to do to help. It is a scary place to be.Even scarier is that fact that it happens so often that you feel like all you can do to get better is to isolate your self from the world. Then you meet those who seem to break down the walls and help you to see sense, that it all can be dealt with.

Yesterday~ The Jimmy Awards

Yesterday was a very long, eventful, and emotionally draining day. I had the opportunity to go with musical theater, to the Utah High School Musical Theater Awards. We were at USU from about 10-10. Throughout that day many things came to fruition. I had emotional breakdowns for no apparent reason that quite frankly scared me. Also I grew closer to people that I hadn't had the opportunity to get  to know before. I also figured out that I can solve my own problems, but at times the best way to get through something is with the help of a few people just having the gumption to ask what is wrong and when you wont say try to make you feel better no matter what. Also having someone to talk to that you trust, just by them saying that you can tell them anything can help you when you feel your darkest. I have hope for the next few years just because of what transpired yesterday. I am now a true believer that the best medicine for any ailment is laughter and good friends. To anyone that I hurt yesterday by my words or actions, I am so very sorry, I really can
't explain what was happening, but I would like to thank you for sticking by me. I really  don't know what would have happened if you guys wouldn't have been there.